Champion$ League-Having a Laugh

Champions & Caffeine

2008-04-21T10:21:00.002+01:00

Tomorrow night, the first game of this year's semi-finals will be played at Anfield, as Chelsea travel to Liverpool in the first-leg.

While the media have typically entered into overdrive at the thought of two European giants clashing, the rest of us remember the last six times these two sides met in the competition.

Yep, those half-dozen games yielded a mighty, erm, three goals. Just three. And Luis Garcia's "goal" back in 2005 (right) never went in!

With both managers favouring tactical battles rather than attacking football (however many times Avram Grant says otherwise), that terrible tally will probably not budge on Tuesday night.

Chelsea have been playing boring football recently-since a certain Portuguese manager drove off into the sunset (left)-and don't seem to know how to score over one goal a game.

Meanwhile, Liverpool are the masters at putting men behind the ball when they need to, and with Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres carrying the rest of the team for the whole season, nine men are put into the starting line-up just to make up the numbers!

The prize for negotiating this two-legged affair is a place in Moscow for the final in May, but what do we get for having to watch what will no doubt be a turgid game of football?

The Champions League ~~whores itself out~~ is sponsored by companies like Mastercard, Heineken, and Vodafone, but maybe they should take this game into account and add a new sponsor to it's arsenal:

Champions League Showboats

2008-04-18T13:30:00.001+01:00

Great video here featuring some of the best tricks and skills from this year's competition:

Enjoy!

Virtual Champions League

2008-04-15T16:42:00.001+01:00

At football1×2.com the virtual Champions League is played out every hour. So far this month Chelsea are second only to Barcelona in tournament wins. Could it be a prediction of the final!? Click here to bet on the current virtual tournament.

Fab Four

2008-04-10T11:05:00.003+01:00

The names are in, the games are all set up, and this year's 'big four' have been revealed.

With Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester United joining Barcelona, it is the fourth time in four years that an English side will be in the final.

United made the semis by breezing past Roma over two legs, with the Italian side barely putting up a fight in either game. They had a chance to bring themselves back into the game at Old Trafford but Daniele De Rossi had obviously been watching his Roberto Baggio videos as he blazed a penalty high over the crossbar.

A weakened United side took the lead in the 70th minute through Carlos Tevez and the game was over as they extended their aggregate score to 3-0.

They will now face and out of form and out of favour (with their own fans) Barcelona side, who ~~breezed past~~ ~~absolutely crushed~~ scraped past a resolute Schalke 04 side at the Nou Camp.

Barcelona 1 - Schalke 0 (SSN)

Posted to 101 Great Goals by Ronaldo on April 09, 2008

Click to Play | View Details

Schalke had a whole host of chances, but some comical defending ultimately cost the German side a shock result, as Bojan's cross-shot was weakly headed into the patch of Yaya Toure who scuffed a shot into the back of the net.

A moment reflecting the unrest of the Barca fans happened in the second-half, as boss Frank Rijkaard took Bojan off to a crescendo of boos and a smattering of white hankerchiefs. They must have been angry!

The other semi-final will be played by Liverpool and Chelsea, with the first-leg at Anfield meaning the Reds twelfth man will get an early run out this year.

With both managers under immense pressure, the Champions League may be their biggest chance to take their neck from the guillotine. However, after the run so far in the competition, whoever survives will no doubt have a pretty impressive transfer kitty to play around with!

Two legs good? Probably not

2008-04-07T11:38:00.002+01:00

The Champions League re-awakens again after a short one week slumber, with the quarter-finals to be decided once and for all (for this season anyway).

Tuesday night will see one semi-final decided with Chelsea and Fenerbahce battling it out to play either Liverpool or Arsenal after the first legs which ended 1-2 and 1-1 respectively.

Fenerbahce must travel from their comfortable home-or 'Hell' as they like to call it-to Stamford Bridge, London as well as attempting to defend their slender first-leg lead.

Their win in the Şükrü Saracoğlu saw a 30-yard stunner from Deivid-who had put his side 1-0 down with a well-finished own-goal in the first half-but with Chelsea's impressive home record and strength in depth squad-wise, the Blues may be the ones to back for this game.

However, Chelsea reaching their fourth semi-final in five years could also see Chelsea bow out at the semi-final stage for the fourth time in five years. As European bridesmaids, they have gone out in the last four to Monaco, Liverpool and, er, Liverpool, who they could face this year if all the results go to plan.

Liverpool welcome Arsenal to Anfield after playing them twice in the space of a week. Both games finished 1-1, although in the league meeting on Saturday, Rafa Benitez decided to rest a whole host of first-teamers and play a few 12 year olds instead (right).

As the Reds still managed a draw, Arsenal's chances of progressing look slim. Liverpool are ludicrously ~~lucky~~ strong in Europe and with home advantage and an away goal, it is likely that they will yet again defy their average league form and take their place in the last four.

They will no doubt be joined by Barcelona and Manchester United, but that's a story for another day.

First leg round-up

2008-04-04T09:48:00.002+01:00

Well, after Wednesday's two games we now await the second legs next week almost none the wiser as to who will be in the semi-finals.

Arsenal were held at the Emirates Stadium by Liverpool, but speaking of being held, how the Gunners weren't awarded a penalty after Dirk Kuyt's bodyslam on Alexander Hleb, I do nothow the know. It's as if there are different rules for Rafa Benitez's side in Europe (see matches against Inter Milan this season). Hleb was as disbelieving as the rest of us (right).

With Emmanuel Adebayor's header cancelled out by a Kuyt equaliser, Liverpool have the advantage going into the second leg at Anfield. They have the all important away goal and are experts at putting ten men behind the ball when they have to (see games against Chelsea). If Arsenal concede at Liverpool, it is likely that Benitez will be leading his side into yet another semi-final. Just how do they do it?

Meanwhile, the fourth English side left in the competition, Chelsea, face an awkward but not impossible task in the second leg after losing 2-1 to Turkish outsiders Fenerbahce. Midfielder-and number 99-Deivid was the villain and the hero for Fener, scoring an own goal and a 30-yard wonder strike (left) either side of a Colin Kazim-Richards equaliser.

Avram Grant is either intent on continuing Chelsea's tradition of being the nearly men in Europe or playing an astute tactical game. Most fans will tell you it's the former.

However, Fenerbahce must travel to Stamford Bridge on Tuesday where the Blues are currently in possession of a remarkable 79 match unbeaten record in the Premier League. All they need to progress is a (dull) 1-0 win, and (dull) 1-0 wins are what Chelsea do best, note the fan on the right.

With Manchester United and Barcelona all but through to the last four after their wins on Tuesday, the games to look out for are the Liverpool-Arsenal and Chelsea-Fenerbahce ties next Tuesday. Expect Liverpool and Chelsea to make it through, with the Reds somehow making it to the final in Moscow.

You just know it's on the cards, even if you can't really explain it!

Two more games, loads more hype

2008-04-02T17:03:00.003+01:00

After Manchester United and Barcelona pretty much secured their respective places in the semi-finals of the Champions League last night with clean sheets away from home and comfortable wins, the remaining first leg games are just hours away.

Liverpool travel down to Arsenal while Chelsea arrived in Turkey on Monday for their clash against Fenerbahce.

With the English derby set to be repeated on Saturday, and obviously again next week in the second leg, Rafa Benitez and Arsene Wenger's sides will see a lot of each other in the next few days. This first leg could either see both sides go for it, or play out a cautious game ahead of the league clash, but bear in mind the fact that meetings between teams from the so-called 'big four' are often dull. Note the extensive pre-match hype!

Chelsea meanwhile will be playing their European match in Asia, as the Sucru Saracoglu Stadium sits outside the European border in Istanbul.

While they expect an intimidating atmosphere in "Hell", the scariest thing about the game will no doubt be Avram Grant.

Fenerbahce will just be looking to give a decent account of themselves, although they are unbeaten at home in this competition, but the only eye-catchers in this game will be the customary flares being chucked about in the ground.

Grant has played out his fair share of bore-draws and there could be another on show tonight.

The second-legs are usually where the action on the pitch comes to the forefront, so for now just put up with all the talking and wait until Tuesday where the real games will be played.

Tonight is just the dress rehearsal, so who's going to fluff their lines this time?

Quarter-Finals Loom At Last

2008-03-31T18:20:00.006+01:00

After what has seemed like an age, the quarter-finals are finally here....almost.

In just over 24 hours, Roma and Manchester United, Schalke 04 and Barcelona will take to the Stadio Olimpico and the Veltins-Arena respectively, aiming to reach the last four and go one step further to booking a place in the Moscow final.

With United and Barça seen by many as the favourites for the competition, they can really show their credentials with good away performances in the first legs of the quarters, and of course pick up one or two 'precious' away goals in the process.

Roma have been performing solidly this season in Serie A, sitting second in the table with only the reigning champions Inter Milan ahead of them. A 1-1 draw with perennial relegation-battlers Cagliari wouldn't have helped with preparations for Tuesday's European game however.

They have also been hit with the news that influential captain Francesco Totti will miss the United tie with a thigh injury picked up in that draw. Totti has been around since the dinosaurs, or so it seems, and just keeps on going. If Roma are to keep going in this competition, they will have to look to someone else to bag the goals, but against Alex Ferguson's side they would have liked to have all the help they could get.

Especially seeing as Manchester United completed their customary whipping of Aston Villa on Saturday, winning 4-0 with the goals coming from Cristiano Ronaldo, Carlos Tevez and Wayne Rooney, a triangle which is almost as dangerous as that famous one in Bermuda.

Schalke 04 prepared for the impossible, a two-legged tie with Barcelona,
by playing out a dull 0-0 draw with Karlsruhe. Probably saving themselves for Tuesday eh?

However, Barcelona showed that they are indeed beatable despite their string of big names. A La Liga game against mid-table side Real Betis should really have given the Catalan giants another three points as they chase Real Madrid at the the top of the table, however things didn't exactly go to plan.

An early Barça 2-0 lead was wiped out by a second-half Betis blitz as Frank Rijkaard saw his team fall to a 3-2 defeat.

They do say football is an unpredictable game, and that match proved that yes, it really can be. But if Schalke win in the same vein on Tuesday, it will be more than unpredictable.

It'll be downright ridiculous!

What are the odds?

2008-03-25T20:47:00.003Z

With a week to go until the Champions League kicks off again with the Quarter-Finals, there is still nothing to talk about on the pitch.

However, there is plenty to talk about with mates, colleagues, and if you delve a little further into the murky back alleys (no, not Liverpool High Street), the bookie.

Gambling and football are obviously not a new partnership, with fans betting (and losing) for a long time now, but what about this year's Champions League? Who are the bookmakers backing, who is worth a punt, and who is not even worth a penny of your hard-earned money?

Well, a quick look at bestbetting's Champions League section unsurprisingly reveals Manchester United as the tournament's favourites at this moment in time. I say unsurprisingly because with Wayne Rooney, Carlos Tevez and the mercurial Cristiano Ronaldo leading their attack, not even the great wall of China could stop the 3/1 tip from scoring.

It appears as though the competition is theirs for the taking, but just in case Rooney, Tevez and Ronaldo all get injured at the same time, United throw a wobbly because it's "Squeaky Bum Time", or the Portuguese winger does his favourite trick of disappearing during the 'big' games, both Barcelona and Chelsea are waiting in the wings as the joint second favourites.

Barca were the pundits' tip before the competition started, boasting names like Messi, Henry, Xavi, Eto'o, Deco and Ronaldinho (when he was good mind) but with the Catalan giants form in La Liga showing they are far from impregnable, they have had to take a back seat in the betting.

Chelsea meanwhile have reached three semi-finals in four years, which says to me they are the bridesmaids of the competition. Avram Grant, aiming to make them a bride (lucky Chelsea), may have to play the attacking football he promised after usurping Jose Mourinho as manager if he is to guide his side to European glory, and save his own neck from Roman Abramovich's guillotine in the process.

Arsenal and Liverpool are next favourites with both clubs available at around 6/1 and 7/1. With the two English sides facing each other, one front runner will be eliminated from the betting after the two legs, but with the Gunners crumbling after Eduardo's horror injury a month ago resulting in no win in five for Arsene Wenger, Liverpool may be the better bet.

As we all know, they defy the odds in Europe as they seem to have some sort of magnetic pull towards the trophy. Even Rafa Benitez can't mess it up, although he will no doubt try, so don't be surprised if Moscow experiences a Scouse invasion come May.

Roma are third last in the betting stakes despite sitting in second in Serie A. They are unfortunate as they drew favourites Manchester United in the Quarters, and as they lost 7-1 last season at Old Trafford, few are expecting them to change their fortune this time around.

And so we come to the underdogs. Both Schalke 04 and Fenerbahce snuck through on penalties and with their odds stacked well into double figures, a bet on either side makes about as much sense as a Brazilian commentator. None at all!

So the smart money is on Manchester United, although they haven't reached a European final since 1999. There could be a few shocks and surprises, but one thing's for certain: there will be a lot of fans money lost between now and May.

Watch These!

2008-03-22T11:39:00.002Z

With the Quarter-Finals still a while away, some of you out there may be suffering from Champions League withdrawal symptoms. Just to keep your fix, here's a couple of videos about Europe's 'elite' competition:

Top Goals And Action So Far

Round of 16 Goals

Not long now! If only Schalke and Fenerbahce could look forward to the Quarter-Finals too...

Deja Vu All Over Again?

2008-03-18T10:15:00.002Z

With the Quarter-Finals all lined up (and the Semi's possibly predictable), I decided to look back on previous years to see if I could notice a trend, and perhaps go one step further to guessing which teams will go through to the last four. My theory is that it is generally the same "big" teams who feature in the latter stages. Lets see if I'm wrong again...

2006/07
Quarter-Final teams (2007/08 Quarter-Finalists in bold): AC Milan, Bayern Munich, PSV Eindhoven, Liverpool, Roma, Manchester United, Chelsea, Valencia.

So only half there who are in this year's last eight, but if the three English teams make it through, the semi-finals will be indentical with those of last season, if you swap AC Milan with Barcelona or Schalke (Barcelona then), the winner of which will play United.

2005/06
Arsenal, Juventus, Lyon, AC Milan, Inter Milan, Villarreal, Benfica, Barcelona

Umm, looks like my theory is already unravelling. Arsenal and Barca of course met in the final, which could again happen this year.

2004/05
Liverpool, Juventus, Lyon, PSV Eindhoven, Chelsea, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Inter Milan

Just two again who will feature in this year's quarters, however, it's Chelsea and Liverpool who met in one of 2005's semis, and of course can face each other in this campaign's last four.

2003/04
I'm just going to stop here, because quite frankly I have been proved wrong yet again. In this year only Chelsea and Arsenal featured, and the season before, only Manchester United and Barcelona were consistent with the teams we are seeing in the quarters this time around.

So while there are some similarities, with the English sides particularly prevalant in the last eight, there are new sides breaking through to the European elite each year.

The semi-finals however, well that's a completely different story! For another time maybe...

Draws Made In The Land Of Clocks...Not On Time Obviously...

2008-03-14T13:43:00.004Z

The draws for both the Quarter-Finals and Semi-Finals were made this afternoon in Nyon, Switzerland, with the main news revolving around the last eight tie between English clubs Arsenal and Liverpool. Fellow Premier League sides Manchester United and Chelsea will play AS Roma and Fenerbahce respectively over two legs, while Barcelona and Schalke 04 complete the draw for the Quarters.

As usual with a European draw there was a huge, glitzy, completely unnecessary build-up. But, like a shy teenage boy at the doctors, after much delay the balls finally made an appearance.

UEFA general secretary David Taylor was making the draw along with former Russia 'keeper Rinat Dasaev, and after hearing all about Taylor's childhood, future aspirations, shopping list etc etc etc in the many speeches before the draw, the "UEFA two" picked out Arsenal and Liverpool.

Liverpool Chief Executive Rick Parry was disappointed with an all-English tie, but looking on the bright side said: "At least we've avoided a trip to Turkey."

Fenerbahce are also breathing a sigh of relief as they won't have to risk their wallets and valuables on Merseyside. Liverpool will have to journey to North London twice in three days however, as a league fixture is sandwiched by the two legs.

The Turkish club stand in the way of an all-English semi-final, as they were drawn with Chelsea in the last eight round. The winner will face either Liverpool or Arsenal. Mateja Kezman (former Chelsea flop, left) will line-up opposite Nicolas Anelka (future Chelsea flop based on his lacklustre performances so far) as both players return to familiar hunting grounds.

Chelsea will not be happy with the prospect of playing Liverpool for what seems like the 48th time in the last five years or so, if they should reach the semis, while Fenerbahce are pretty much just living the European dream by getting this far in the competition. With the Turkish side a hefty 40-1 to win the tournament however, it seems as if they'll be waking up in a cold sweat soon.

Along with Chelsea, Barcelona also have a bye to the last four, as they drew Schalke 04 in the quarters. The German side have only scored six goals so far this Champions League season, and while Barca aren't having the best of times in La Liga, they could probably send out their academy filled with South American wonderkid 13 year-olds and still not break a sweat. They could even play Ronaldinho, you know, that bloke who used to play a bit.

Barcelona...Sorry, the winner of that tie, will face either Roma or Manchester United. These two sides know eachother inside out having played two games this season and two last year in the Champions League, including a 7-1 thrashing for United at Old Trafford in the second leg of last season's Quarter-Finals.

With crowd trouble marring the first leg in Rome, and Roma's reputation of being about as friendly as a venomous snake with a headache, Manchester United's marketing men have come up with a new "Souvenir Survival Shirt" (right) specially for the game.

The ties are set to be played on 1st/2nd April with the second-legs following on the 8th/9th
of the same month.

Can't wait.

I Hate To Say I Told You So!

2008-03-12T11:15:00.002Z

Referee Tom Henning Ovrebo sends off Inter defender Nicolas Burdisso as Steven Gerrard watches on approvingly (above).

Liverpool booked their place in the Quarter-Finals last night with a comfortable 1-0 win over Serie A league leaders Inter Milan at the San Siro. Unsurprisingly there was a contentious refereeing decision or ten at the heart of the victory, although Roberto Mancini's side didn't help themselves at all by seemingly forgetting to turn up for the game.

In fact, they were so bad, Mancini announced his intentions to leave at the end of the season. Rumour has it that Inter owner Massimo Moratti has already ordered a sign for the manager's door reading 'J.MOURINHO'.

It feels strange to talk about a manager leaving soon without even thinking of Rafa Benitez. It seems his stay of execution has been extended after the latest episode of 'The Fernando Torres Show' which is shown weekly at Anfield. It can be viewed on the special multiscreen service, alongside Steve Gerrard's own personal programme. There are no other listings however.

Back to the game, and Burdisso's sending-off for two yellows-the second an absolute joke-was reminiscent of Marco "How's your sister" Materazzi's own sending-off in the first leg at Anfield. What Inter Milan have done to insult referees Worldwide I do not know, but something in a ref's head must click into action whenever they see those blue and black stripes. Either that or they are actually right dirty b*stards!

So Liverpool join English counterparts Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United in the Quarter-Final and Semi-Final draw to be made on Friday, along with Schalke 04, Fenerbahce, Roma and Barcelona. With the Reds luck in Europe along with that famous history of theirs (don't we all know about it eh!), it wouldn't surprise me if they went all the way. Fenerbahce for them in the last eight then to start off the damned inevitable.

Inter Milan V Liverpool...One Week Late

2008-03-10T14:11:00.002Z

Tuesday night will finally see the second leg of the Inter Milan-Liverpool tie, postponed by a week because AC Milan were using the San Siro stadium to crash out of the Champions League leaving this game in limbo.

Liverpool hold the advantage from the first leg, winning 2-0 at Anfield after some refereeing decisions about as dodgy as a Scouser in a hoodie, a deflected Dirk Kuyt goal, and a trademark 30-yard hit-and-hope strike from "Captain Marvel" Steven Gerrard.

With manager Rafa Benitez under pressure from the club's American owners, who themselves are under pressure from a Dubai consortium interested in buying Liverpool FC, progression to the Quarter-Finals of the competition will not only keep Benitez in a job for a few more weeks, but it could also add a few more zero's to the club's value.

Speaking of zero's, Newcastle United again failed to score in the English Premier League, as Liverpool cruised past them with a comfortable 3-0 win on Saturday.

Meanwhile, Inter Milan are coasting at the top of Serie A, with a 2-0 win over Reggina putting Roberto Mancini's side nine points clear.

A penalty from Zlatan Inbrahimovic was followed up by a bullet header from defender Nicholas Burdisso to give the Champions another three points. However, with Inter president Massimo Morratti expressing his admiration for "The Special One" Jose Mourinho recently, Serie A success may not be enough this year.

All eyes on the San Siro then, but with Liverpool adept at putting men behind the ball when necessary and Inter floundering in Europe, the Reds may well be favourites to progress.

It will all come down to what happens on the night. Oh, and the Ref of course. Some see decisions differently when Sir Stevie's playing, just ask Marco Materazzi!

Mid-Week Round-Up

2008-03-06T14:07:00.002Z

Well, I have to admit, there were actually a few shocks in the usually predictable knock-out stages of the Champions League! In fact, I'll admit I was wrong, because in my last post I confidently predicted that:

"AC Milan, Barcelona, Manchester United, Sevilla, Chelsea, Porto, Real Madrid are going through"

Three out of seven ain't bad is it? Well yes I suppose, it's terrible!

Arsenal were superb against a largely veteran AC Milan side, signifying a huge shift in the balance of power. The Gunners progressed with a 2-0 win in the San Siro, goals coming from Cesc Fabregas and Emmanuel Adebayor.

Barcelona were less prolific, edging past Celtic 1-0 with a Xavi goal confirming the inevitable. The goal came following a slick, passing move from the Catalan club which summed up the difference between the two clubs.

Manchester United were at times slick but not all-conquering as they beat Lyon by the same scoreline, with Cristiano Ronaldo-who attracts superlatives like metal to a magnet-scoring his 4,000th goal of the season. Well, it seems like he's got that many anyway. Although Lyon striker Karim Benzema impressed, he will have to wait until next year at least for Champions League glory. Probably lining up alongside Ronaldo if Sir Alex Ferguson asks nicely enough.

Sevilla and Fenerbahce played out a goal-laden 120 minutes, with the Spanish side winning 3-2 on the night to level the aggregate score at 5-5. Penalties loomed and the man whose name could feature in a sci-fi novel, Volkan Demirel the Fenerbahce 'keeper, was the hero as he saved three spot-kicks to send the Turkish side through against the odds.

Chelsea took advantage of some tragic Greek defending against Olympiakos to progress, with Michael Ballack, Frank Lampard, and Salomon Kalou scoring in a hugely one-sided game. The Blues finally showed some attacking football under Avram Grant while Olympiakos left the competition without even a whimper.

Porto went the same way as Sevilla in another penalty shoot-out despite winning 1-0 on the night. A sensational Lisandro Lopez goal took the game to extra-time, but penalties eventually came with the German side finishing on top. A German team better on spot-kicks? Imagine that.

Finally, the perennial bridesmaids Real Madrid yet again failed to live up to their potential, crashing out to Roma 2-1 at home, 4-2 on aggregate. A frantic game of football swung in the Italian's favour after Madrid had defender Pepe sent off two yellow cards. Roma scored soon after with Rodrigo Taddei converting, but the competition's top scorer Raul equalised minutes later. With a comeback unlikely for the Spanish giants, Roma put them out of their misery (and possibly Bernd Schuster out of a job at the end of the season) as Mirko Vucinic won the game.

With Liverpool and Inter Milan playing next week the final eight will be decided in time for the draw a week on Friday. Chelsea-Barcelona again anyone?

Weekend Watch-Part II

2008-03-04T11:06:00.002Z

Wednesday's games are fast approaching, bringing with them the promise of thrills, spills and eventually just the big teams going through. How did each club warm up for the games? Read on...

Chelsea helped shoot down the vultures circling Avram Grant's head with a 4-0 win away at West Ham United. Frank Lampard was sent off for tickling Luis Boa Morte while even Ashley Cole got himself on the scoresheet. Cue predictable 'Ashley scores away' headlines.

Their opponents on Wednesday, Olympiakos, drew 1-1 with Asteras Tripolis, but lost Lomana Tresor Lua Lua to injury. The striker who left English club Portsmouth in the summer (although Pompey fans will tell you he was barely there last season) dislocated his shoulder in the dying minutes of the draw. Do you think it had anything to do with his famous celebration?

Porto could only manage a draw too, a 0-0 away at Boavista the final score despite the fact that Boavista were forced to play the last quarter of an hour with ten men after a red card. With Porto currently sitting 12 points clear of the Portugese Liga however, it looks as if they've pretty much given up on trying anymore, the title is practically already engraved with "2007/08 Champions-FC POR" as I write.

Their mid-week opponents Schalke 04 stumbled to defeat against the Porto of Germany, Bayern Munich. A 14th minute Miroslav Klose goal was enough to see of Schalke, who had a mighty 17 shots in total with just one on target. Porto are apparently recruiting extra ball boys in preparation.

In Spain, Real Madrid pounced on Barcelona's defeat to city neighbours Athletico by edging past Recreativo de Huelva 3-2. A goal from Raul followed up by a Robinho brace sent Madrid five points clear at the top of La Liga, while they also win the award for 'Least Shocking News of the Week'. Arjen Robben is injured. Again. Is he made of breadsticks or something?

There was a lot more substance to Roma on Saturday, as they trounced Parma 4-0 at home to stay comfortably in second in Serie A. With Roma leading Madrid 2-1 on aggregate, and both teams managing seven goals between them this weekend, goals on Wednesday are as likely as Robben bringing out a line of personalised Adidas crutches in the near future. In a word, very!

Finally, the game between Inter Milan and Liverpool is to be played next week, as AC Milan have the keys for the San Siro this Tuesday.

After this round of games, the last eight teams (eight and a half if you include 'or Inter Milan') will be known. I mean, the fact that you can probably guess right now who will go through doesn't matter does it? There's still high drama according to the constant Sky Sport adverts. I don't care Sky Sports, I don't want your damn multiscreen, and AC Milan, Barcelona, Manchester United, Sevilla, Chelsea, Porto, Real Madrid and Liverpool are going through.

Again!

Weekend Watch

2008-03-03T11:28:00.007Z

With the second leg games of the first knockout stages looming, those lucky clubs still involved warmed themselves up for another evening of top-class drama with their very own domestic action at the weekend. Some won, some drew, some lost. That's football for you! Tuesday's games first, and a round-up of the eight sides who will be looking to add a few more millions to their bank account. Oh, and get through to the Quarter-Finals of course.

AC Milan stuttered their way to a draw against Lazio, with Rolando Bianchi's opener cancelled out by a Massimo Oddo penalty for The Rossineri. A penalty for Milan at the San Siro? Who would've thought it?

There was also just a point for Arsenal who were largely outplayed by their opponents Aston Villa at the Emirates Stadium, but managed a Niclas Bendtner equaliser in the fourth minute of three added on. You tell me what's wrong with that sentence. And why Bendtner hates his strike-partner Emmanuel Adebayor so much? How could you hate a face like this?

There was no joy for Barcelona meanwhile, who started with the inspirational Leo Messi on the bench against Athletico Madrid and paid the price. With one of the "new Maradona's" not on the pitch, another took the spotlight, with Sergio Aguero inspiring the less fashionable Madrid side to a 4-2 win.

Better news for Barca however, as Celtic await at the Camp Nou on Tuesday. Despite a 2-0 win over Hibernian on Saturday, the Glasgow side have about as much chance of getting past Barca as Wee Gordon Strachan in a high-jump event. Absolutely none or, to put it in Scottish, "F**K all."

Manchester United had their own one-sided game on Saturday, as they eased past Fulham 3-0 away from home. In fact, it was so easy, Sir Alex Ferguson had plenty of time to get on his phone and continue his alleged tapping-up of Lyon star Karim Benzema.

Speaking of Lyon, they went six points clear of Ligue 1 with a 1-0 win over Lille, with a goal from the least Brazilian-sounding Brazilian ever; the one and only Fred.

Sevilla meanwhile stay on course for mid-table mediocrity in La Liga, with a disappointing defeat to relegation-threatened Deportivo La Coruna.

Last, and in truth, probably least (Celtic aside), Fenerbache showed their non-exisent credentials as a potential giant-killer in the Champions League, with a dull 0-0 draw away at Ankaragucu. Yawn.

So, Tuesday's games will certainly be ones to look forward to. If you can contain your excitement, come back for Wednesday's previews. I know I can't...Sorry, my eyes just rolled out due to over-sarcasm.

Gerrard Undermines Champions League! About time.

2008-02-29T09:31:00.003Z

"I am not going to pretend that even winning the trophy will make up for the disappointment of the league campaign," said Steven Gerrard through tear-stained eyes as he chucked his 2005 Champions League winners medal in the bin. Probably.

It seems as if the Liverpool captain has officially ended his love affair with the European Cup, as he reflects on what has been another dismal season for the Reds.

Currently sitting fifth in the Premier League, a hefty 17 points behind leaders Arsenal, the dead man walking...sorry, Rafa Benitez to you and I, also finds his side out of the League Cup and recently the FA Cup, with an embarrasing defeat to lower league Barnsley making Liverpool's American owners as angry as Jamie Carragher on a cold morning.

So surely the Champions League is their only chance to redeem themselves from a complete disaster this campaign?

Imagine this. Some fortunate refereeing decisions, a fluky run to the final, an opposition team who thinks a game only lasts 45 minutes when they get there. It could be their year again!

It doesn't matter that they aren't the best team, that they haven't performed at all this season, or that Dirk Kuyt manages to get a game week in, week out. This is the Champions league remember?

But with Gerrard issuing the divorce papers with the European Cup as we speak, the question is, do they really want it?

The league is their priority, and as captain Stevie puts it himself: "You don't get any prizes in football for finishing in second place, never mind fourth."

Well actually mate, fourth place will, perversely, get your lot back into the Champions League next season!

So when you find your team looking through a telescope at the leaders again this time next season, Europe's elite competition is always there for you to fall back on again.

Moscow Ticket Circus Begins

2008-02-28T16:31:00.002Z

Nobody rush! There's plenty for everyone!

Tickets for the May final are now on sale, despite the fact we are not yet even into the quarter-finals!

Of course, this is a plan thought up by UEFA, designed to drum up interest and remind us all of the Champions League's worldwide appeal. Which must be why around 25% of tickets are set aside for sponsors rather than added on to the measly 21,000 each finalist will eventually receive.

Speaking of sponsors, did I mention that to buy a ticket from UEFA, you must hold a credit card in the name of Visa, Eurocard or Mastercard? Or that you could end up paying a 40 euro administrative fee on top of the already extortionate ticket price? It must be one big form they are filling in for that kind of money!

Oh and by the way, you've stumped up the money, you've told your mates you're on your way to Russia, but there's still one more catch.

This system UEFA have designed is only a ballot, a lottery which promises the scant chance of a maximum two tickets.

As usual, it seems the biggest winners are UEFA themselves. A footballing governing body which doesn't care for the fans? Who would've thought it?

Welcome

2008-02-27T13:22:00.002Z

Becoming disillusioned with the Champion$ League? Tired of the constant and superfluous media hyperbole that accompanies every game? Annoyed with the ever-increasing ticket prices and, as a result, prize money in the game?

Welcome to Champion$ League-Having a Laugh, my new blog designed to provide you with a light-hearted look at Michel Platini's love-child, Europe's "elite" competition, the showpiece for the rest of the world to marvel at and drool uncontrollably.

A competition which features highlights including: Olympiakos 0-0 Chelsea, a game so dull even Avram Grant looked interesting in comparison; Marco Materazzi of Inter Milan picking up red cards like headbutts at a Zidane family barbecue; The same old teams. Every. Single. Year, reaching the knock-out stages. AC Milan? Yep. Liverpool? Yep, somehow. Real Madrid? Of course.

So if you agree with me, read on and enjoy. If not, visit the official UEFA site and say hello to the positive spin doctors for me.